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Wednesday, September 30, 2009, 10:04 am
Now.. i'm lost again... I dun know wad to do... Or should i say.. idk wad to choose... Forever.. i have the authority to choose... But.. i wish dun have... so it will not result to wad i'm thinking now.. In my mind everyday.. is wad i should do... but.. in my action.. is not wad i should not do.. 'M Thou i know wads rite and wads wrong... i keep doing the wrong things... Sometimes... u wan to take both choices.. but u onli can have one... Here comes the ding dong ting... swinging left and right. <><><><>< Thinking of wad to do... I'm dried... I'm tired.. I'm at the edge... When.. there is onli one thing i need to do to be strong back to where i need to mi.. But... it takes alot for mi to it.. Like wad the doctor told mi .... The light is always behind.. shinning behind u... just w8ing for u to turn back and follow it.. S This turn... seem so ezy... yet so hard.. I should be turning... but i'm not... So many thing happen this month... Just feel like throwing the white flag.. and say.. i quit.. I'm done for it.. I give up... Why is it tat my biggest strength, is always my weakness.. P Such an irony.. In my mind... its going crazy... up and down...left and right.. wrong and correct... Thinking.. of things..tat will nv happen in life... And now... at the edge of acting my thinking out... Seriously.. i wonder wads wrong with mi... I Am i mentally insane?.. Split personality? I wish someone can tell mi... My game is also up.. Its reali mi to turn everything back up again... R I made two promises... The first.. promises.. i made... but.. now i'm thinking would i rather break a promise.. Or keep it without its purpose. I swore last time.. nv to break a promise.. And nv tok make a promise i know i'm going to break... T Now... idk wad to do.... I take either choice i still lose... Its either i fight the losing battle till i win.. or choose to lose without fighting.. If i choose the first... i need strength.. and support... but... i can nv get them... I many get strength.. but i will nv get support... U Its in my life... lived with it till now... ever since primary school.. From young.. i had nv have a friend tat i can call friend.. Best friend?.. i wish i had one.. Maybe... its becuase of my games.. A I played so much tat i dun go out of my house to the outside world?. How can u call a friend tat u helped when he needs help and when u get bully yet he didn't stand by u... yet join in the fun and bully u... Wad kinda of friend is this?.. L Sitting in the classroom.. as a outclass... When no one talks to u.. and onli tok to u when they have no choice?. A group of people whom u wanted to call friends who went out together and didnt called u.. A group of people.. whom u wanted to call friend.. onli calls u at the last min as a spare tire?.. It reali made mi hard to call them friends.. L From young till now... Come on.. give mi a break... When is it tat i will get someone ... whom i reali reali can call a friend?. Without... friends tat i can call ... and not leaving mi out... Y I stray to find something else... girlfriend... Thou... sometimes.. i'm quite picky.. I stay with wad i get... even when i know.. i can get better.. Its not reali abt.. better or ok... Wad matters is... whether u like it or not... So... when i got one... it brightens mi alot... yea it does.. When i got one.. it made mi feel so happy.. Just like.. i'm no longer rejected..no long an outcast... Forever someone to tok to... Its as if... i used her to feel accepted... But.. when she left... it brings everthing back... What i hate the most... are these things.. Tats y my greatest fear is loneliness... When ever i get to know a new friend... we tend to get along.. But... after awhile.. we start to move away from each other.. Everyone have their on clique... Everytime... when there is a clique.. Its either i can't enter.. or be left out... Or.. the clique.. is not wad i wanted.. Left alone wandering for someone whom i reali can call friends.. So many problem... so little time... yet too lazy to do anything abt it.. Watching my family falling apart... A family not like family.. A family without bonding... with big gaps to fill up... Letting history repeating itself.. Knowing history is going to repeat itself.. Yet.. idk where to stop it... Where to put back the missing pieces in the family... D Missed the bonding we had last time... Church pulled my sister away from home.. But... to my sister its God's calling.. There is nothing much i can do... Sometimes.. i blame God.. for wad is happening... Sometimes.. i know tat there is a reason... Even if my sister.. have followed the wrong direction.. She is going to know.. and make a U turn and fix everything.. The problem is when... Or its going to go on?.. E Hearing my mother complainning tat my sister always come back home late and spending too much time in church... wasting time there.. She dun understand its becuase.. she nv encountered Christ be4... I had.. but.. mi myself sometimes too thinks tat she is spending too much time in church... My sister always ask mi to help her... Tok to mum.. one day she will understand.. get her save.. But... its seems as if she is making it hard for her to get save... Or is it part of the plan for it to happen?.. Maybe one day.. my mother got so pissed tat she can't take it anymore.. And she went down to church to find out wad is she doing there.. Later to know.. she brought herself to church and got saved..?. Life is so unpredictable... I wish i can predict... but.. When u know how to predict... Its a different ball game... U have other things to trouble about.. A There is nv a free lunch on earth... Emm.. actually there is.. go to the temple ... and u can get some... But.. are u going to the temple to get free lunch everyday?.. U are just running away from wad is in front of u.. Or do u call it.. the other way of life?. Life life life?.. this is it uh?. In so much shit tat i myself... feels tat... i'm hopeless.. Not long ago.. i was still thinking... I can get it fix.. with the help of her coming back... Lolz.. native ... Now.. even if she comes back.. I dun think.. its going to help.... D Is it becuase.. i've already gave up ?.. Or at the edge.. going to drop down anytime?.. tat with her coming back will not help at all.?. Had nothing in my mind tat i can think of... Either let time do it job.. Or let my thoughts take over mi.. Wednesday, September 09, 2009, 8:18 am
Tuesday, September 01, 2009, 8:51 am
Sunday... i rotted at home.. watching some.. movies... Den... when to the bidding thing... My father... as always... bid.. tat loaf of bread every year everytime. Without fail.. haha... tat was .. 4k... gone... I got nothing much to say... Last year... i was angry... This year... all i wan.. is for him to be happy.. Tat will do the job :).. As long as he is happy.. its ok with mi... And... tats also ... for her... As long as she like it, she is happy... i'll be happy for her : ).. Though... its painful for mi sometimes... But.. it will be over soon hopefully.. : ) Yep yep... And.... Monday.. haha.. The whole day.. i was a movie addict. I watched zombie.. movies for the whole day!! Lolz... lalala.... Today... i was... trying my best to watch some movie... Cause... i dun wan to think abt some things... But... i gave in : (... And i watched it... I rmbed every single thing.. From the start till the begin... Everything.... the first time... Haha... Lalalal.. crappy... and... today... school started Yea... quite boring.. fell aslp >< Haha.... alot did as well!?!?!?! Bo bian... but... i'll study hard : ). Loves.. tats all.. : ) |
thedeceptionist
Vanity isn't a sin, a little narcissm wouldn't hurt.18 November 1992 hichewy@hotmail.com a hot lover of Christ |
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