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Tuesday, July 28, 2009, 8:31 am
History anyway repeats itself no matter how much i try to learn.. Just tat things nv change.. Just for mi.. doesn't matter... Still wondering.. how come i can so dumb to love someone who dun love mi anymore.. How is it possible myself to keep going thinking tat she will come back one day.. When i already saw the fact and wads coming up ahead.. Why i'm still unable to accept to face wad have already happen.. I'm alway making matter worst... Being hated... Indirect self inflicted pain... Many times, i tell myself.. its over.. take it and push it back and move on.. But i just wanna hang there.. Going through all the pain tat are not suppose for mi to go through.. Self inflicted pain.. Any up coming pain coming for mi will not long hurt mi... But will just stack up... making things even longer and harder to get through... Tat y.. i took years to overcome the first one.. Was toking to my god sister... She alway says tat there is no point for mi to keep doing this.. But i'm just doing it.. Doesn't matter... I can feel tat it the feeling fading.. But i struggle for it to come back.. Doing wad ever tat is possible to make mi remember it... I'm think i'm the most senseless human being alive in this planet.. Failing everything tat i'm suppose to be done... This post is so dam.... tat desiree is going to scold mi for being such an idiot Posting this kinda post again... Well.. i guess i didn't promise not to.. Cause i noe.. i will do it sooner or later.. Miss someone who dun miss mi is being stupid.... I see myself fading off so much... Fearing tat i lose it... but.. its better to lose it.. And then everything will be back to normal.. Somethings are so hard to say.. Ever since i grow older. I brought nothing but disappointment.. Being the fallen... not rising up from where i fell.. Guess.. i'm going to be hate by u soo badly.. Tat there wun be chances of being close to being friends.. Guess.. tat wun matter.. cause i'm all messed up.. Bet tat u aare thinking tat u have made a perfect choice.. Yea.. u are perfectly rite.. Told u ... the first week tat i met u.. I'm one emo kid.. And u said u are one too.. So... guess whose the one which is more emo?.. U haven seen the worst yet.. This is just the normal one... or just alittle more then normal one.. But... the worst will never be shown... Cause its totally not worth it.. Haha.. totally not worth... Sometimes.. i wonder... wad do i deserve to be with u... Totally one heaven and earth at times.. I'm born with a heart full of kindness.. and softness.. But sometimes.. they turned to evilness and hardness.. Because i let hatred rule over mi when i'm down. Well... all i noe is....................................................................................................................................................................................................... not to be said out.. cause the result of wad i wanted to say will be not beri nice... And its onli my own point of view. Doesn't matter.. Cause its going to be gone soon... I wasn't made for u.. Hate mi with all u got.. u wun be the first to be doing tat.. My feelings for itare dead.. Even i want to have it back veri badly... Its unbeiliveable tat i did all the things tat i dun dare to do last time with u.. Tat y u mean so much to mi... Not because of wad i did with u... Its for wad i had for u.. But this doesn't matter anymore.. Since i knew it long ago tat u wun fcuking care abt it anymore... So it doesn't matter if u read this or not... i aint caring abt it... Doesn't matter.. i'm already dead to u... U nv know how much u were to mi..... U reali reali wanted to leave tat time... U made up yr mind so clearly.. And.... i had nothing to do to stop u from leaving.. Short term pain better den long term pain... Tats wad u said... But to mi.. both are pain... So it doesn't matter if its short or long... Haha.. Guess it too late to say it now. Everything for mi is too late.. Still thinking wads there to be change tat at this point of time. What more do u expect from mi at this point of time... When i already lost myself... Didn't noe i will turn to be so emo today... Which i didn't intend to ..... Was already getting better... But things are still no longer the same.. Wanted the times back there badly.. Well... its not reali the together part.. cause.. having it or not dun reali matter... Already trying to let it go... And its already gone.... Its either i'm cheating on myself.. or its reali.. I still dun noe.... wads real in mi and was fake... Lived my life like tat and it wun matter... U should be spenting time studying den to be reading... Though u need a break... but it isn't suppose to be here. Mi now to u is... making u fed up.. after tat... be sorry for it... So theres no point for u to be in this web page... Wads the point for reading wad i post when u dun care anymore?. See the irony. : )??.. Or checking if i'm ok..?.. or have idiotic i have become?.. Both ways links... I'm was dead.... The Novel u knew last time... is long dead... Possible to be revive... but... it takes time and support... Yesh.. i'm weak...... W/E.. it dun matter.... Everything... is turning into hate... Crapped.. nv thought tat it will come this far.... And makes mi wanted to say things out to this extend... Things were made till it can't be change.... And all it does.. is irratates and make u hate mi more... Haha... tats wad i do ..... making people hate mi.... Or maybe not... Depends on the way u look at mi... Theres nothing i can judge.. and there nothing tat i can pin point.. Haha.... I dun noe if i should drag to the extend to post how much i hate u... Though hating u.. i still wans u to come back badly. But i already made way tat its impossible... Or to the worst extend. Yi bai liang shan... I always have been so soft hearted tat i didn't wanted to do it... Since yi zuo chu yi wo zuo shi wu... I hate u for making fake promises.. I hate u for taking a step tat u are not ready for. I hate u for leaving when u promised not to. I hate u for breaking a promise.. I hate people who break promises... My mother made mi promises when i'm young ending up breaking them all.. So i hated it veri much... Next time... be4 u reali make a choice... Make sure u fcuking think twice.. Then to fucking say tat u have been thinking and u found out u make a wrong choice back there... Fuck this... Hate mi for wad i said... I DUN FUCKING CARE ABT IT ANYMORE.. Since there is no turn back... Then might as well make it to the extend tat i'll feel better.. Then to cry to myself thinking tat u will come back one day.... Fcuk it! I DUN WANNA CARE ABT IT ANYMORE... I GOT ENOUGH AND ITS ENOUGH... Well.. its not totally your fault. Its just tat u are too unlucky tat everything piles up.. And u are the unlucky one to be the jackpot. Things piles up.. and i'm alway keeping it to myself... So this is it... I hate u. I hate this. Hating someone is harder den loving someone... But idk y i came to this extend.. Maybe u nv expect this coming.. But it came.... Life is unexpected... Maybe hating u will be the onli way i can get over u... But.. ending up.. i still love u more den i hate u.... I already know it and i still do it... Well.. its just mi... I lost it totally... I though of leaving church so i wun get to see u and things tat the things when we are 2gether... But.. when i thought of tat my heart breaks... That so many people who cares abt mi will be worry... I thought abt killing myself... Then i thought of my mother... If i die... how is she going to feel... Putting myself into others shoes feeling how is it like... if i killed myself.... The pain, the sadness onli makes mi more sad and wans to cry more... Deep in my heart... i dun wan this to happen... But.. i kept fighting... maybe i'm not putting enough effort.. Deep in my heart... i wan u back badly... But u already made the choice.... Theres nothing tat can make u change yr mind now... When its time to leave... its time to leave... When it time to let go.. no matter wad.. it must be let go.. Just have to wait for the one next to bring mi out of this... Haha.. and then the cycle contiune.. I wish.. i can just numb myself... And ingore the feelings tat were made for us to feel the love. If i would have to numb all my feelings. So many unepected thing will be happening... Told myself everyday... tat i will not into a relationship..unless the gurl reali reali likes mi... And she take the first step to chase mi... Haha... i wonder which gurl will?... But i always gave in... and be the one to start it first. Doesnt matter... Cause for wad i had done... No one will be daring enough to tok to mi... All are so scare of how emo i can be... How dao.. i was.... I thought i was going to be ok soon.... But.... this post just poped up.. Hahaha.... its all my fault.. Everything starts from mi... And there is no ending.... Cause idk wad to say.... From wad happen...... I told myself... Always think more then one time be4 u get commited to a relationship.. Or else... I'm a living example of the result tat will happen... Doesn't matter.... I lost it.. Totally... its gone.. totally gone... All my fault.... Dun care abt it anymore... U can hate mi all u wan.... cause i said... i no long matter anymore.... Living in darkness.. though there is light.. I simply refuse to follow the light out of the darkness for some reason... And.. tat reason i know it myself.. just tat i dun wan to face it... This have always been my problem... Though i reali like the times with u... This not going to come back anymore... I love u. End of post. Labels: Overwhelmed |
thedeceptionist
Vanity isn't a sin, a little narcissm wouldn't hurt.18 November 1992 hichewy@hotmail.com a hot lover of Christ |
partnersincrime
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theventingmachine
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